Blisters Don't Need Chemo

It seems like it takes longer for me to post blogs these days. The holiday season is already so crazy. We are caught up in the hustle and bustle of decorating our house, trimming the tree and buying more gifts than we should buy! I absolutely love Christmas and this year is more special than any in my past. Of course, everyone knows that I was sick last Christmas. I had chemo a few days before, so my memories of Christmas day last year are a little hazy. But, other than being well this season, I have my two little girls that are so excited and a little crazed when it comes to Christmas and the Big Man in the red suit! It is awesome to see the sparkle in their eyes and the pure innocence of believing in Santa. They are what this season is about. I am just trying to drink in every moment!

I have completed my walk. Our team went down to San Diego on November, 20th. Sherri, Dana and I took a chartered bus from Goleta to San Diego. Amy flew from Fresno to S.F. to San Diego and then took a shuttle to the hotel. If you knew Amy you would know what a huge deal that was! Go Girl!! Gail of course was in Hawaii! She flew in the night before our walk and got to the hotel room and 1 am! We had to be on the bus to the opening ceremonies by 5am! Let's just say she was a little tired!

Our first day started early, dark and cold. But, once the opening ceremonies started, we were ready to go! It is pretty overwhelming to see so many people out to support the same cause. I met so many amazing people throughout the course of 3 days. A lot of survivors and a lot of family members out to support their own walkers and also out to say thank you for walking because they lost someone to breast cancer. We couldn't go a half of a mile without someone cheering us on, playing some music, dancing for us, or giving us tequila shots! Really, it happened! The TaTa Tavern! I will never forget those gals! We also bonded with several San Jose policemen. They were down in SD for our walk. They had radios strapped to the back of their bikes and they would gather around us and dance and encourage us. They were great. There were also a bunch of bikers that were our crossing guards. Have you ever seen a biker in leather chaps and a pink tutu?

Some things I will never forget: The San Jose police, the 92 year old woman out to encourage us on her birthday b/c she is a survivor, Smile Guy and Little Grin, The TAG family, the 4 beautiful Ms. Young Survivors, the man with many hats, Billy, string cheese, the seagulls eating Amy's sandwich, the children's choir singing at the corner before we finished, Kate and Maggie, crossing the finish line with my team, walking in the sea of pink shirts during closing ceremonies.

Will I do it again? Probably. Next year? Not likely! I am losing my toenails and I injured my left foot, but you know what? It's better than cancer. And like the sign along the route said, "Blisters don't need chemo."

Embarking on my 3-day adventure

Well, I am leaving in a couple of days to attend the breast cancer 3-day. I am really looking forward to the whole experience. I couldn't be walking with better friends! I am so lucky to have these girls to train with, and now to walk and camp with! I will be home on Monday, so I will try to post pics and stuff when I return!

As far as my health, I can't complain really. I have been dealing with lymphedema. For those of you that don't know, my lymphatic system isn't working properly and the fluid is draining down my arm and into my hand. It causes swelling and pain. I have been wearing a compression sleeve and glove and that seems to help a lot. The worst part of it is I was bit by a spider on that hand during one of my flare ups. As a result, I got cellulitis (bacterial infection). So, on top of my other meds, I was on a few antibiotics to clear it up. I never knew how painful cellulitis could be! It is a serious thing! Go figure. I always thought cellulitis was a case of too much cellulite! I have had that for years!

I had my herceptin treatment today. I can't believe it, but I only have 3 treatments left. It looks like my last treatment will be on January 20th. I am really looking forward to that day! I am to the point where I don't want to be touched by any one. I just want to be left alone. I think I am ready for a week and a deserted beach with just my husband, a good book and some tequila! What else do you need?

I am going to finish packing and I am going to go to bed at a decent hour! Ta-ta!

Life just moves forward

I am officially back to work. I am only working 4 days a week per doctor's orders, which I am thankful for. By Friday of each week, I am wishing it was only 3 days a week. It is great to be back and to catch up with all of my co-workers. I don't think I realized how much I missed everyone until I saw them again! With each day, it gets easier to be there, so I am hoping by the first of the year I will back in the flow of things. They all say I used to run the place, but right now I feel like a big bump on a log!
Today I went and met with a physical therapist regarding this lymphedema stuff. I will start actual therapy on Monday morning, so I am hoping the swelling will decrease and my hand will stop hurting. I will have to wear a sleeve and glove when I do things like exercise or fly or anything that gets my blood pumping! I won't actaully write what I am thinking right now! Anyway, I am looking forward to therapy because I think I will benefit so much from it.
The most crazy thing I did this week was sign up to be a Girls Scout leader. I took Carra to the Daisy Scout Teddy Bear Tea and I just couldn't help myself. I had to sign up. It will be a lot of work, but it will be a blast. I am actually co-leading with a gal I met at the tea. She seems really nice and I think we will get along great. So, I will be hitting all of you up this Spring for cookies! Start saving your money, because I expect you to buy a lot!
I am still trying to train for the breast cancer 3 day. The walk is in about 5 weeks and I am not ready! I got so burned out on the walking thing. Not to mention, when I walk my arm swells! But, NO EXCUSES! I should be walking! I am really looking forward to being there, especially with my team. I just love all of my Hags and I know we are going to have a great time. I need to start focusing on what to pack.
As far as the rest of me goes, well, I am about the same. I am so happy with my family and quite frankly happy to just be alive, but I am also really conflicted on the inside. I know my life's purpose is supposed to be something else, but I don't know what that is. For those of you who know me well, it may surprise you to hear that I just don't want to be around a lot of people anymore. I have worked in the service field my whole life and now I just want to be home. But, I also want to be paid, so I am kinda screwed there! I am hoping to figure out exactly what I want to be doing sometime soon. Until then, I just take one day at a time and hope for the best. Maybe I should write that book I have always talked about. Cheers!

It's Been A Year

Well, it's been a year since I was diagnosed with breast cancer. In a way, the time has gone by quickly and I can't believe a year has gone by. In another way, last October seems like a lifetime ago. I think back to everything that happened in the last 12 months and I am amazed that it happened to my family. I couldn't have gotten through it without the love and support of my family and friends. Especially my chemo buddies. It must be hard to sit in the chemo room and watch your friend be poisoned. But, I had several gals that did just that. Some of my favorite memories of this last year are of playing scrabble with Joanne in the chemo room. Thank God for friends like her and for scrabble!

So, now is a time for me to look ahead. Life without cancer. I never thought I would use the word cancer when talking about my own life. I was always afraid of cancer, but not so much anymore. It sucks, don't get me wrong, and I hope like hell that I am never effected by cancer again, but I no longer fear it. I think I fear chemo more than cancer! Anyway, now is definitely a time for change. Maybe that is why I feel so strongly for the Obama campaign. Maybe it is because I am so ready for change in my own life. I need to do something different. I know I won't be happy returning to the same life I had before. I have rarely felt that I have made a difference and now I want that so badly. To make a difference. To be remembered for something. To leave my mark on this Earth. I am feeling so restless these days because I haven't felt like I have found exactly what I am supposed to be doing. I guess I have a lot of searching to do.

In the meantime, I am so grateful and happy to have this last year behind me. Today almost seems like the first day of the rest of my life. I still have follow up stuff and I am still in the chemo room every 3 weeks, but the shit is behind me. I am moving forward, trying to lead a normal life while trying to make a difference, and through it all trying not to forget where I have been. The road has been long, but the journey is truly just beginning.

Back to work, trip to Portland, and oh yeah, it's breast cancer awareness month!

Well, tomorrow is the end of life as we know it around here. I start back to work in the morning. I am torn as to wanting to go back. I have had so much fun being around more for my kids, but I have also missed that part of my life that belongs to me. It is so easy to lose yourself in the lives of your family. I sometimes feel like my life is defined by the piles of laundry, making dinner, making beds, cleaning toilets, etc. You get the picture. I don't think others (aka husband) feels that way, but I do sometimes. I don't really want to be gone all day, but I think once I am in the swing of things again it will be fine. I am only going to work 4 days a week to start with, so it will be good to devote one day to Carina every week and to also be able to pick Carra up from school. It is amazing how well children adjust to change. It is always harder on the parent. It will be nice to start bringing home a paycheck again, especially since I have started my Christmas shopping!

I was fortunate enough to take a trip to Portland a couple of weeks ago. I have so many friends and family up that way. My brother, Alby and sista in law, Krisiey, had a new baby in July. It was great to go up for several days and hang out with them and the girls. We had dinner one night with my cousins Rob and Tony. It was great to see them. Another night my mom babysat while we went to a Tapas Bar for food and drinks ("the sexy woman"). We met Tony again that night and it was great to talk to him. I haven't really spent a lot of time with Tony before and I really enjoyed getting to know him better and sharing a couple of drinks with him! On a side note, the day after we went out I was talking to Rick on the telephone. Out of the blue he asked me how the strip club was. I was a little shocked and told him we didn't go to a strip club. He said, "You said you were going to a topless bar." He thought I said topless when I said tapas. It was too funny. The best part was he didn't care about me going to a topless club! Anyway, we got a good laugh.

I was also able to see Missy while I was up there. She signed us up to do the race for the cure which just happened to be while I was visiting. My mom, Alby, Missy, her friend Loni and myself walked the 5K to support the Susan G. Komen foundation. I was astounded by the number of people that participated in the walk. They were estimating 45,000 people to turn out for the event. That is incredible. When we were walking it was like being in a sea of people all walking for one cause. The most amazing part was the number of pink shirts. All participants were given a t-shirt with registration and survivors were given pink shirts. There were so many. I really tried to make a point to look at the faces of all of the survivors. I think people sometimes forget that we are real people. We may be "survivors", but we are also individual beings that have had to fight for our lives. I think it makes us all unique in our own way. Putting a label on us as a whole isn't always fair. So, I wanted to look at my fellow warriors and just try to remember some of their faces. I am really hoping to go to Portland every year for the same event. It was really great to share it with my family and my dear friend.

Speaking of breast cancer, October is breast cancer awareness month. I urge everyone to try to support breast cancer research in some way. Buy pink ribbon stamps, support a 3-day walker, buy the yoplait with the pink lids and promise to send them in, anything will help. And I also encourage all of the women out there that are late for their mammogram, or haven't had one recently, to please make an appointment. Early detection can save your life. So, wear pink and show your support!

Life is Beautiful!!

My scan is clear! It is perfect!! I cannot be more excited. It took a little while for it to sink in. I had a horrible weekend because I had convinced myself that they were going to find cancer throughout my body. Laying in the tube during the scan can really play negative games on your psyche. I started having all of the same thoughts I had when I was first diagnosed. I was so worried about the girls and how they would be growing up without a mom. It was a terrible place to be in. Negative energy sucks. I tried to read the face of the tech when she was sending me on my way and I swear she was avoiding my eyes! Of course, that is just me being neurotic! So, the next step is a mammogram and a MRI next month.

So, life as normal. What in the hell is normal? My normal is completely different than it was a year ago. I think about priorities and perspective. They are completely different as well. My priorities are the same, but have been shuffled around a bit. My perspective, well, you would think that I would have this new outlook on life and have it all figured out. Not true. My perspective is probably a little more out of whack and skewed than it has ever been. It is still hard to wrap my head around that fact that I had cancer. I had to give up a year out of my life, the lives of my girls, to fight something that I shouldn't have had in the first place. So, how's this for perspective. I don't sweat the small stuff. If I have something on my mind, I will tell you. I don't take any day for granted. If I need a nap, I take one. I steal extra kisses from the girls (especially on the neck!). I touch my husband more, even if it's on the shoulder in a room full of people. But, when I think about cancer it changes. Cancer isn't fair. Why does it happen? Why don't we have a cure? I guess I am still angry. Maybe more than I was in the beginning. I also don't think our country takes care of the sick. Yes, I have insurance. I am one of the lucky ones. I still have medical bills that I never thought I would see in a lifetime. What about those without insurance? Do they lose their homes? Do they not seek the care they need? So, yes, I am different. I am more political, more outspoken (if you can believe that), and more willing to try to make a difference.

On that note, I only have one more thing to say. Go Obama! I jumped on the train of change a long time ago. It's about time someone as even given us the possibility of hope.

Tomorrow's PET day

I have recovered really well from my surgery. The menopausal symptoms suck, but they are managable I guess. I have been incredibly fatigued lately. I am hoping it is because of the lack of hormones. Anyway, tomorrow is the big day. I have my PET CT in the morning. I should have my results when I meet with my oncologist on Tuesday. I am nervous and a little scared. I truly feel like everything will be ok, but I am also realistic. Positive energy is appreciated, so please send it!

On a lighter note, my 3 day team (Hags and Heroes), is trying to figure out what to have on our shirts. We have a couple of ideas, one is "eleven nipples" on the front, or "one areola short of a twelve pack". For those of you that don't know, I don't have an areola or nipple on my new breast (not yet anyway!). So, there are 6 walkers (now maybe 5), so we thought the eleven nipples would be hilarious! I think so anyway! Let me know what you think! Amy thinks we should incorporate both phrases into "one nipple short of a twelve pack". I like it! Anyway, we have been training as much as we can and I think we are all enjoying the company. I am actually using my teammates as my shrinks! It is great therapy to take long walks with wonderful friends.

I am supposed to go back to work the first of October. I must be honest and say that I don't really want to. I also don't know how I am going to pull it off. Like I said before, I am incredibly fatigued most of the time. I can barely make it through the day without wishing I could take a long nap. I guess I will just go back slowly and see what happens. If nothing else, I am going back to the gals who have given me a ton of support and love me for who I am. I guess it can't be that bad.

Update...

I am recovering very well and very quickly. I seem to be back to normal after a week, so I think that is pretty good. I am hoping to get back to training for the 3day soon. It has been too hot to even think about walking in Paso. I took Carina to the park this morning after we dropped Carra off at school, and we had to leave by 9:30 because it was already getting too hot to play on the equipment! Carra has adjusted to the First Grade pretty well. Her days are much longer of course, so she is really tired, but other than that she is doing great. I am enjoying my time with them as much as I can. I am supposed to start back to work on Oct. 1st. I must say that I am not looking forward to it. I really miss all of the gals I work with, and I couldn't have gotten through a lot of my days during chemo without them. But, I still don't want to go back. Most of it is because I love being with my girls so much, but another part of it is kind of like returning to the scene of the crime. I was at work when I walked over for my mammogram and ultrasound last October. When the radiologist told me he was 99% sure it was malignant, I left the ultrasound room and went back to my desk to call Rick and to await my biopsy. I will never forget that feeling and I am not sure I am going to be able to get past it so I can do my job every day and not think about it. The good news is they are remodeling the unit right now, so I will have a new desk (probably not a better one, but a new one!). Maybe the new look will help me overcome that obstacle. So, think of me on October 1st. I will probably be in tears as I head back to work. It will probably be a good thing to go back. Maybe it will help me feel like life is getting back to normal. What is normal, anyway?

Goodbye Ovaries!

Most everyone knows I will be having my ovaries removed this Wednesday. For those who don't, well I am having surgery! It is just part of the process to kick cancer's ass, so it isn't anything to worry about. Of course, I worry the ovaries will be full of cancer when they remove them. I know it isn't likely, but breast cancer for me wasn't likely either. I will rest much easier once the pathology is back and they are cancer free. I am having the ovaries removed so (a) I stop producing estrogen and (b) I don't want the cancer to find it's way to them. So, menopause, here I come! I have been having hot flashes since they put me on Lupron and Tamoxifen, but I know they will become much worse once the ovaries are gone. My new mantra is "it's better than cancer!" What else can I say? Menopause will suck, but cancer is much, much worse. The other down side of all of this is the weight issues. I gained a lot of weight in chemo, but I always thought I would just get back in the program and it would come off. Well, with menopause it is so much harder. I walked almost 30 miles in one week and I didn't lose a pound! What is that about? I guess I need to give up my trips to the yogurt shop and my cravings for Mexican food!

Update on me

Good News Today!! I had the BRCA1 & BRCA2 tests done last week. The results are in! Negative! There is no mutation to the gene. I am incredibly relieved and excited! Here is some info from the American Cancer Institute. Thought you would want to educate yourself. Keep in mind while you are reading this that I do NOT have a family history and my test was negative!

In a family with a history of breast and/or ovarian cancer, it may be most informative to first test a family member who has the disease. If that person is found to have an altered BRCA1 or BRCA2 gene, the specific change is referred to as a ”known mutation.” Other family members can then be tested to see if they also carry that specific alteration. In this scenario, a positive test result indicates that a person has inherited a known mutation in BRCA1 or BRCA2 and has an increased risk of developing certain cancers, as described above. However, a positive result provides information only about a person's risk of developing cancer. It cannot tell whether cancer will actually develop-or when. It is also impossible to predict the effectiveness of special screening or preventive medical procedures for people with alterations in BRCA1 or BRCA2. Not all women who inherit an altered gene will develop breast or ovarian cancer.
A positive test result may have important health and social implications for family members, including future generations. Unlike most other medical tests, genetic tests can reveal information not only about the person being tested, but also about that person's relatives. Both men and women who inherit an altered BRCA1 or BRCA2 gene, whether or not they get cancer themselves, may pass the alteration on to their sons and daughters. However, not all children of people who have an altered gene will inherit the alteration.

A negative test result will be interpreted differently, depending upon whether there is a known mutation in the family. If someone in a family has a known mutation in BRCA1 or BRCA2, testing other family members for that specific gene alteration can provide information about their cancer risk. In this case, if a family member tests negative for the known mutation in that family, it is highly unlikely that they have an inherited susceptibility to cancer. This test result is called a “true negative.” Having a true negative test result does not mean that a person will not get cancer; it means that the person's risk of cancer is the same as that of the general population.
In cases where no known mutation in BRCA1 or BRCA2 has previously been identified in a family with a history of breast and/or ovarian cancer, a negative test is not informative. It is not possible to tell whether a person has an alteration in BRCA1 or BRCA2 that was not identified by the test (a false negative), or whether the result is a true negative. In addition, it is possible for people to have an alteration in a gene other than BRCA1 or BRCA2 that increases their cancer risk, but is not detectable by this test.
http://www.cancer.gov/cancertopics/factsheet/risk/brca

The Last Lecture

Have you read The Last Lecture? Maybe you saw it on youtube or on Oprah, like myself. Well, Randy Pausch, the author of that lecture has lost his battle with pancreatic cancer. When I first heard his lecture I thought, wow, he is so right on. Tonight I watched a special on his life. Of course, I cried through most of it. So many things stand out to me and I am sure they will be with me forever. But there was one thing that really hit home with me. He said that of all of the big things that he wanted to do with his life, he should have already done them. It was all of the little moments with his children, the love and the laughter, that was his real bucket list. How true is that statement. It doesn't matter if you have scaled the tallest mountain or gone on an African safari. Hearing the uninhibited laughter of your children is the most amazing thing you can experience in your life. You just need to be in that moment and let you children know you are in that moment. I never thought I would be so touched by the words of someone I hadn't met. His words make me want to be a better person. To laugh more often, live life more fully and to love more passionately. He had so much peace about the whole thing. He didn't like the hand he was dealt, but he accepted it. He came to peace with it. I need to find that peace. Maybe the whole world needs to find that peace. Every single one of us has something we battle deep within ourselves. We need to single it out, embrace it and accept it. If you haven't heard his words, you need to take the time to do so.

Things I Have Learned This Week

I don't get a chance to write as often as I used to. Now that school is out, the girls are keeping me really busy. I am still quite tired. I seem to be dragging my butt most of the time, which means I am not training like I should be for the big walk! Anyway, I thought I would take the time to list the things that I have learned this week. 1) I can walk 6 miles without dying; 2) I sometimes need an alcoholic beverage to be a good parent; 3) hot flashes suck; 4) swim diapers don't hold a lot of pee; 5) I sometimes need an alcoholic beverage to be a good parent 6) my kids can never release all of their energy, they must have reserves; 7) it is too hot to go to the fair in the afternoon; 8) I love John Mayer more than you; 9) I sometimes need an alcoholic beverage to be a good parent; 10) oh, and Carina is tall enough to put one foot in the toilet!

The attached picture is of me and Gail Serene and Sherri Stoddard. Three of the Hags and Heroes. We participated in the Brian Waterbury Memorial Walk. It was a six mile walk from Morro Rock to the Cayucos Pier. These girls have really been there for me this last year. Not only do I have the honor of working with them, I also have the honor of being their friend. They have seen me at my worst and still loved me! I couldn't do this walk without their participation and their encouragement. I am looking forward to spending more time with them hitting the pavement (or the sand!).

I hate legos. You know, the little toys that snap together to create one big jumbled mess that is supposed to look like a submarine? Yeah, those. Do you know how bad they hurt when you step on them barefoot? And the little ones are the worst. I swear, just when you think they are all picked up, you step on another one! It's like they are multiplying!

I have also learned to hate roller skates. That is mainly because Carina thinks she can wear them just like her sister. I found her in them today and caught her right before she fell. She doesn't need any more gashes on her body. She split open her chin at Grammy's house last weekend and earlier today she took a header off of the step stool and fell into her toy closet. The result was a scratch on her chest and skinned knees. Oh, lets not forget the black eye she will probably have when she wakes up because she rode the scooter into the corner of the table on the back patio. Now that I think about it, she probably shouldn't go to daycare tomorrow.

One thing I love is being an Auntie. Alby and Krisiey are expecting their second daughter any day now. I am so excited for their baby to come and I can't wait to get up to Portland to see her and to spoil my niece Alex. Alex may need a little extra love from Tia. Speaking of Krisiey, she is part of my Hags and Heroes team. First of all, she is crazy because she is pregnant and can't train (not like we are actually training yet). Secondly, she will probably have to pack a frickin breast pump to take to camp that week. I just had a visual and that is funny. I am so excited to have her on my team. She has been such a support and a sounding board for me these last few years. It seems like we are always laid up at the same time. When I was pregnant for Carina and put on bed rest during my last few months, she was pregnant at the same time. Now, I am on leave from work again and she is pregnant again. It gives us a lot of time to chat. She and Alb were with me when I had my mastectomy and it meant so much to have them travel to be there. I will never forget my niece walking in the room with her pink ribbon shirt on that read "I wear pink for my Auntie." That was beautiful to me. Some of the worst crises in our lives brings out the most beauty. Anyway, I love Kris like a sis. I can't wait to take these steps with her (and watch her blow the camp away with her karaoke!).

Radiation is OVER!!!

Radiation is finally over! Not only is it a relief to have radiation behind me, it is awesome to not have to go to the doctor every day! And my skin did remarkably well. I had 3 burn spots, but only one of them was serious. And it was small, so no biggie. My energy is coming back and I don't have to go to the doctor for 3 weeks!!!! I have been going to the oncologist every week since the middle of January. I was going to radiation every day for 33 days plus the oncologist every week. It was a lot to get used to, but in a weird sort of way, it felt normal to me. You know, fighting cancer has become my job. Every single day there is something to do. Of course, I need to take the new meds they have me on, but there are other things as well. For example, I spent a couple of hours the other day going through my insurance EOB's to make sure the offices are billing me correctly. I swear I almost need a bookkeeper. And now I need to get my butt in gear for the 3-day walk that I am doing in November. I need to motivate my team and organize training walks (and probably read my handbook!).

I think last time I ended with wanting to profile my teammates. Who should I start with? I think I will start with my cousin Amy. Amy and I are only a year apart (I think it is more like 10 months, but who's counting!). It is usually pretty hard to explain to people how we are related. Like I said, we are cousins. But we are first cousins and we are second cousins. I think that is technically how it works anyway. My mom and Amy's dad (Uncle Dan) are brother and sister, so that makes us first cousins. My dad and Amy's mom (Aunt Shirley) are first cousins so that makes us second cousins! Anyway, I feel like Amy and I have always had a special bond. We haven't kept in the best of touch through the years, but I know she is always there. It is like having one of those friends that you don't talk to in months but when you do it is like you have spent every day together. I know it was especially hard on Amy when I was diagnosed with breast cancer. The whole family took it pretty hard, but I think Amy felt it more than most. It could have been that Amy was finally happy in her life. It has taken her a long time to get there (not my place to give details!), but you could see in her face that she was truly happy. It sucks to finally feel like you are living the life you deserve to live and than tragedy hits. I know it well because that is exactly how I felt when I was diagnosed. So, she stepped up. She read my blog and sent me emails several times a week. I know she would have done more if she lived closer. But the best thing she did: she had a mammogram. And then she had to explain to the doctor how we were related!

I am so excited and honored to do this walk with Amy. It is going to be an emotional time for me when I cross the finish line and it means the world to me that I am going to do it with her. By the way, Amy is in the purple shirt in the picture with this post!

To much to do, to tired to do it...

Well, radiation has officially kicked my ass. I was told that I would be tired toward the end, but to be honest I never really believed it. How could something make you tired when it doesn't even touch you? How can you be tired from laying on a table for 7 minutes? Those were my questions. Now, holy cow. It is amazing. I don't have the desire to do anything except lay on my couch. Of course, it is the last week of school and Carra has a ton of activities. It is Father's Day weekend, my birthday, Josh is coming for 4 days, and swim lessons start Monday for both girls. Oh yeah, let's radiate my body every day in process as well! Now you can see why I want to melt into my couch. The good news is I am done with radiation on June 20th. It will be a good day. I will officially be done with treatment (unless you count herceptin, which I don't)! I am sure it will be an emotional day, but a day worth celebrating.

I just wanted to check in. I don't have a lot to report, so I will keep it short. The next time I check in I think I am going to start highlighting the girls that are on my 3-day team. They all deserve a little recognition! I am hoping to start training with them again soon. I haven't been able to do a whole lot. So, that's it. If anyone is looking for me, I am on the couch. Pick up a pizza, some diet coke and come on over!

Time flies, even when you are sick

Well, my baby has turned 2. I can't believe it. I have been through a lifetime of crap within the last 8 months, but it still feels like I just had her. I just thank God for her every day. No matter how shitty life gets, she can still put a smile on my face. I am in awe of her beauty, her innocence and her ability to light up the room just by her presence. People are always telling me how strong I am. What they don't know is that my girls are the ones lifting me up every day. They are my strength. I often write how they are driving me crazy and how difficult they can be (and they are!), but I couldn't get through life these days without them. Cancer has allowed me to appreciate the small things in life and to not take my family for granted. It is a kind of stop and smell the roses thing (and if you have ever walked with Sherri, you have stopped to smell the roses!). Anyway, this post is for Carina. Happy Birthday, Baby! Mommy loves you.

Raising children is harder than beating cancer...

I love my kids more than anything, but there are days I want to just slip away. Remember those Calgon commercials? I think I should do rum commercials! "Rum and coke, take me away!" Of course, it is easy to say that considering I drink maybe twice a year. I guess my question to all of you bloggers is, how do you make them listen? If I didn't know better, my guess would be that they can't hear. Anyway, they are in bed and that rum and diet coke is really sounding good right now!

Radiation is going well. I have had my 10th treatment, so for all of you math flunkies, I only have 23 to go! It may sound like a lot to the average joe, but for we radiation junkies it isn't that much. My skin still looks great and my implant isn't in my shoulder, so all and all things are going fantastic. In fact, I am becoming quite bored. I am finally feeling good, I am not working, and it is too damn hot to walk up here in North County. So, I am up for lunch dates that keep me out of Target!

I am attending my first young survivors meeting tomorrow night. I am looking forward to it. It will be nice to meet new friends that have been there. I tend to write with humor and even joke about everything when I see people, but the truth is this sucks. I get busy in my life and sometimes forget about cancer, but then I have those moments of truth. Will I be here to watch my girls grow up? Watch them graduate, get married, meet my grandkids? I know I have my Dream Team of doctors and I have been and will continue to fight like hell, but those thought cross my mind. Most of the time, I have those thoughts on the radiation table. It pretty much throws reality in your face. Thank God those treatments are only about 6 minutes! Anyway, I just know when I go to that meeting, even if those moments of truths aren't discussed, I will know that everyone in that room has had them. I guess in a way that makes us all sisters.

Radiation has started!

I have started radiation and so far it is a walk in the park compared to chemo. I have had 7 treatments so far, so that means I only have 26 to go! The whole process only takes 6-7 minutes, so it isn't that big of a deal. So far I haven't experienced any side effects. I do occassionally have the sensation of getting a sunburn on my breast, but then that sensation goes away. It is probably all psychological! At times, I truly feel like I am losing my mind!

I have also started (slowly) to train for the 3-day walk. I started out with a vengeance, but then my heals hurt and I felt really tired, really fast. So, I slowed it down a little. I am sure once I am used to it, the training will be ok. I am still really looking forward to the walk. How many times have I used the word really so far. Must be my word of the night! Anyway, regarding the walk, please donate money!! I have a lot more to raise and I can really use your help! Check out www.the3day.org. Search my name or the team name "Hags and Heroes". You have no idea how appropriate that name is. We are all a bunch of hags deep down, but everyone on the team is also a hero. Not just in fighting cancer, but bringing new lives into the world while sometimes saving lives at the same time, leaving asshole husbands and starting life over with a smile, being a single parent of children that don't appreciate it (or of children that do!), etc. We all shine. Which is why I love my teammates so much!

And so it goes...

I am finally starting radiation! My first treatment is on Tuesday, 5/6. I am not really nervous, just curious. I have been tatooed and they have had me lay on the machine, so I have an idea as to what is going to happen. The funny part of that visit is the list of instructions they gave me. They started out by telling me that I shouldn't wear deodorant, unless I use one without aluminum. So, at this point I am ok with it. They proceeded to tell me that I can't shave my armpits with a razor and they prefer that I go all natural! Well, I don't know about you, but I am not going to have hairy armpits and use deodorant that probably won't work! The next instruction was that I shouldn't wear a bra for the 6 weeks of treatment! They say it can irritate the skin in the fold of the breast. I don't know if you guys have seen my new beautiful breast, but it stands up straight so there isn't much of a fold! Not to mention, if I don't wear a bra, I have the bionic boob that stands at attention and then I have my deflated balloon on the left side that comes down to my belly! Oh, and I have to keep the area covered as well! Keep in mind that I live in Paso and summer is coming! I am usually a really good patient, but I have decided that I will use an electric razor, Tom's of Maine deodorant, and wear a shelf tank! All in all, I will do what I need to do to get well and I just can't wait to get this going so it can come to an end!

Chemo is Over!!!

I am finally finished with chemo!! I know there should be bells and whistles, but you just have to imagine them in your head. It took me a while to update this, because unbelievably I was in a funk when I finished chemo. To be honest, I was sad. I felt like part of my life was over. I know that sounds insane when I am fighting for my life, but it is true. I have been battling this for so long that it has become my life. I was a chemo patient, a cancer victim. Now, I am neither of those things. Don't get me wrong, I am thrilled to be done with that part. It is a strange experience but I believe a healthy one. I met with the radiation guys today. I finally got a tattoo! In fact, I got 3 of them! They are only pin pricks but what the hell! So, I got my markings and I had a CAT scan. Now they are going to map everything so the radiation is designed specifically to my body. I will start radiation in about 1 1/2 weeks. So, what do I do with this free time! I plan on walking. I just registered with the 3 day walk for breast cancer, so at the end of November I will be walking 60 miles in 3 days with some of my girlfriends! I am really looking forward to it! It will be a painful 3 days I am sure, but it will also be 3 days of healing. Other then that, I have been spending my time watching Carra play softball and of course the big surprise trip to Disneyland. We just got back last night and we had a blast. I am hoping to get my pictures on the computer soon so when I do I will post some. I hope this finds everyone well. I am finally starting to feel good, so lunch anyone?

It's been a while

We have been so busy. Carra has started playing softball. If you need a light hearted day, you need to come and watch. These girls are hilarious! They are pretty good too. We have also had 2 weeks of Spring Break, which I believe is too long! I have completely enjoyed my time with the girls though. We have had a lot of lazy days, staying in our jammies and watching movies. Our new favorite is Enchanted. It is a must see! I was also able to read the Lance Armstrong book. My brother, Alby, sent me this book after I was diagnosed. I wasn't ready to read it until now and I am so glad that I did. I have had so much support throughout this ordeal, but I know that learning to live the rest of my life as a cancer survivor is something only I can figure out. Reading this book has helped. I know I am a different person then I was a year ago. I don't think I have quite figured out who that person is yet. I know cancer has changed me. This is definitely a life journey. I know this sounds weird but I am happy that I have been able to experience this. It has taken me to a place within myself that I may have never found. Anyway, back to Lance Armstrong. I feel a connection to him. Mostly in how he tackled his odds. Of course, I have great odds. He didn't. He writes in his book: "If children have the ability to ignore odds and percentages, then maybe we can all learn from them. When you think about it, what other choice is there but to hope? We have two options, medically and emotionally: give up, or fight like hell." I choose to fight. I also choose to surround myself with fighters. So, if you need to be uplifted, read this book. I am so glad I did. I want to end this with a few words to Debi. I hope everything went well and you are home healing. I am here for you when you are ready. Just remember, "fight like hell."

4 More to Go!

I can't believe I only have 4 treatments to go. It is unbelievable! Of course I will still be going in for Herceptin, but chemo will be done in 4 weeks! I continue to get such amazing support from so many of you. I appreciate all of you that have sent me prayers, cards, letters, emails, money, etc. You are all amazing people. I have found that the human spirit is beautiful in most people. The goodness comes out when it needs to. Too bad we didn't all treat everyone that way all of the time. It usually takes a life changing moment to see it and to show it. I am definitely guilty of that one. I am going to try to change that though. I want to show people I care when they least expect and when they don't need it. Watch out work hags, I may come back a hugger! Oh, and I am also going to probably come back with menopause without HRT. So, I will be a bitchy hugger! I am actually already having hot flashes. Anyway, I want to send out a thank you to all of my bunco girls and their friends and family. They held a garage sale in my honor and gave me all of the proceeds that exceeded $700. That was definitely a successful garage sale! I can't tell you ladies how much that has helped. I am looking to have my own garage sale now! I love you girls. You have been there for me for 8 years now and I see us sitting around Jacques firepit, eating hot dogs, gossiping and never rolling the dice for many more years. It is those moments that are special with friends like you. That is what I mean about the human spirit. It is beautiful. Well, I am finally feeling better. I got a cold after the flu so I am just now starting to feel like I am on the mend. So, now I need to start training for my 3-day, 60 mile walk. That should help me remove the chemo weight! You know, I worked like hell to remove the college and baby weight, and then I get cancer and find out that you can gain weight in chemo and there is nothing you can do about it. It really sucks, but I will beat that too. I want to end by sending my good thoughts and prayers to Rich. I hope you are hanging in there buddy and I am looking forward to seeing you when you are home. Please know you are loved and keep that fighter attitude. I also know of another lady that has been diagnosed recently that is friends with MaryAnn and Leslie. Please know you are not alone. Please call me 239-8857 or email me riknsuz@att.net . I am not an expert. But I have been through it. It sucks more then anything in life, especially when you have young children, but it can be beat. And I think we become better women, spouses and most of all mothers because of it. I would love to meet you for lunch. If anything, just to lend and ear and/or a shoulder. Love to all~ Susie

Sorry for the delay...

I am sorry I haven't been on the blog for a while. Unfortunately, I have been down with Influenza A. You know, the shit they give you the flu shot to prevent! It seems that the shot is only covering about 40% of the people that have been vaccinated. This is the end of week 2 and I am still a little week, I am coughing like a life long smoker, and I have more snot in my nose then the whole elementary school! What's up with snot anyway? How much can one body produce? It is insane. Anyway, Carina and Rick are both recovering as well and Carra's asthma is pretty bad right now. So, this was the weekend that Rick and I were going to Cayucos as a weekend getaway without the kids. Considering my mom came down to take care of me when I got sick, we opted to take the kids to Cayucos so my parents wouldn't have to come back so soon. I must say that I am glad we decided to do that. We had so much fun with the girls on the beach. I think we brought home half of the rocks on the beach not to mention the shells! Some of you know that Carra is obsessed with rocks. It was a rock paradise for her. She had a blast. Carina had a great time too once she got over having wet, sandy feet! I will try to post pictures in the next couple of days. Great weekend considering Rick and I felt like crap most of the time! I think the reason I ended up sick was because of a girl weekend I had a few weeks ago. I went up to Jill's house in Modesto and our friend Missy came from Portland. We were also blessed with "Dirty Bird." Carolyn, you are great and I hope you make it to all of these weekends! Anyway, I was the D.D. and it was so much fun watching those gals get drunk. We didn't go to bed until about 4 am which really wasn't very smart on my part. But, I love those girls. They have been there for me for a lifetime. And, it was so nice to go out and not have people worry about cancer. It was just me. Not sure it was worth influenze though!! As far as my treatments go, I have 6 weeks of chemo left!!!! I will start radiation a couple of weeks after that and I am hoping to have the summer off to spend with my family. Oh, I am also having a party in June. I want to celebrate the end of all of my treatments and my birthday of course!

What's with the term "Survivor?"

According to dictionary.com the definition of survivor is "a person who continues to function or prosper in spite of opposition, hardship, or setbacks." I like the definiton, but for some reason the word survivor bugs me. I want more than that. It just doesn't seem like enough. Of course, I am surviving and will survive breast cancer. But, I am not just surviving. I am kicking breast cancers ass. So, instead of breast cancer survivor, I think I am going to go with Breast Cancer Champion. I hit this head on, I am defeating cancer. I have always looked at this as a fight, a battle, a war. I am the warrior, I am the champion. I don't want to just be a survivor. It isn't enough.

Good News!

So, I started my weekly treatments and I am NOT sick. I just can't believe that I do not have any nausea. The nurses kept telling me that I would feel better and it wouldn't be as bad. Of course, I don't usually believe nurses!! It turns out that they were right! I had really bad body aches with the first treatment, but with the second one they were significantly less. I feel like a different woman. The one problem I am having is that I am gaining weight easily and I feel like I am swollen as well. Could it be the steroids? Or am I just eating like a frickin pig! Maybe a bit of both. So, I have 10 more weekly treatments and they seem to be going by fast. I can see the light at the end of the chemo tunnel. Then off to radiation and back to exercising! I actually miss my walk/jogs. I just don't have the energy to continue right now. By the time I corral the children, I am exhausted. Especially this week. Rick went to Mammoth for 5 days and the girls are definitely trying to see how much mom can take. My mom and dad came down to help (thank god!) but the two little ones have been giving it their all. Carra even put her hands on her hips tonight and said "Well...". I wonder where she gets the attitude. Anyway, let me tell you about one of the best mornings I have had in a while. Last week, I went to Morro Bay to meet Kathy O. for the day. We went up the coast to see the elephant seals. What an amazing experience. I am still in awe over the sheer number of them, over their size, over their pups, just everything about them. We even witnessed one give birth. Truly amazing. I can't wait to share with my kids. Kathy and I ended up having lunch in Cambria and enjoying our short, but beautiful day. Thanks Kath. Well, that is about it. I don't have a lot to report. I feel great and I am enjoying my life without crappy drugs.

Catch up

I am finally feeling better after last weeks crap treatment. It is really getting harder to stay positive about that place. The room has a certain smell that I can't get out of my nose. My stomach lurches when I think of it and I physically want to throw up. I am starting to have a hard time with other smells. Nail polish remover. It smells like the heparin they flush my port with. Paint. Kinda smells like the chemo room. Anyway, I go back to that place again next week and I will spend every week there for quite a long time. Guess I need to suck it up and put on some lipstick! I hear that works! So, I am planning some time away. I need ideas as to where Rick and I can get away that won't cost us a fortune. He and I can really use a break. Have I told you what a handful my girls are? They are going to make me pull out my hair!!! Carra is testing every limit and Carina just climbs up on everything that could cause a fall and break a bone. Every once in a while I have that "I should be a stay at home mom" thought. And then I spend one afternoon alone with them!! That's all it takes. One afternoon. I already want to go back to work. (Sherri, are you glad to hear me say that?) The good thing about this "hiatus" is that the nurses will appreciate me more. When I go back I can really be bossy!! (I really miss you gals.) I am kinda sounding bummed and mushy. I swear I am in a good mood and happy. I hope everyone is well. Love ya.

(had to take out the c word!) tomorrow

So, round 4 is tomorrow morning. I am dreading this one more than the others. I don't really know why. I start weekly treatments in a few weeks and that will last a year. I can't stand the thought of going to the office every week for a year. I love everyone there, but shit. There is only so much a person can take! Well, my mom came down again. What would I do without her. She helps so much with the kids. She and I have already had a little retail therapy. She went with me today to visit Dr. McHottie. Hopefully he will never read this. Anyway, he is a dream. Lost my train of thought. All I can think about is how he was looking at me today while he was filling my boob. (I know he loves me.) He must! Oh God, I am whacked. Now all I can say in my head is He Must, He Must, He Must increase My Bust! That is too frickin funny. I crack myself up, and I haven't taken any of the good drugs yet! Needless to say, he is so cute. He finished filling my expander today. Now we just wait until radiation is finished and then we can proceed with finishing my breasts. I am walking around with one natural, sagging into the armpit, nipple pointing to toes breast and one larger, standing at attention, no nipple to cause embarrassment fake boob! I look great naked! The new boob actually looks fantastic. I am so happy with his work. I recommend him to anyone that is considering plastic surgery. And like my girlfriend says: "Just go in for a consult and he will feel you up!" Worth the money! Love to all. Rich, you are in my thoughts daily.

Happy New Year!

So, 2008. I believe this is my year of healing. My resolutions are pretty simple: remission, vacation, and celebration! Probably in that order. Oh, I am also going to have a birthday party for myself this year and hopefully every year for the rest of my life. Why the hell not. It is time for all of us to celebrate life, and what better way to do that ~ celebrate the day we were born! Stop taking this life and those we love for granted. Why is it that it takes something for cancer to actually bring meaning to things like "Don't sweat the small stuff." Which by the way is a great book. Did you know that the author of that book died? His wife has put a book together that is coming out this month. I think it is about the letters he wrote her throughout their marriage. I may be wrong. I will let you know because I plan on reading it as soon as I can get it. I just finished For One More Day by Mitch Albom. Everyone should read it. You will treat your mother with more respect when you are done. I need to add it to my book list. Enough rambling for now. I have treatment again on Thursday, so I will add another post later that week. I do want to ask that all of you send out prayers, well wishes, vibes (whatever you fancy) to my friend Rich. I am sure he would appreciate them right now.