I am officially done with treatment!!! I finished my herceptin treatments on Friday. I was so excited to be done, but leaving the chemo room was a lot harder than I anticipated. I have spent a great deal of time in that room, some good days, some bad days. But, those gals got me through it. They saw me sick, bald, crabby, happy, teary, sleepy, silly. No matter what, they didn't judge. They encouraged me, supported me, left me alone, shared personal stories, listened to mine. They always seemed to know what I needed. It was hard to leave there. I will miss seeing them every 3 weeks. I guess now is the time to work on my mental health. I feel like I have been teetering on the edge in recent weeks. I don't know if it is the lack of hormones or if it is me trying to process this whole experience. I don't think I had time to process it before. I found a lump, went for follow up, was diagnosed, scheduled surgery, started chemo, started radiation, continued with herceptin and was thrown into menopause. Start to finish: 14 months. How in the hell can a person process it? I have started back to work full-time, started a Girl Scout troop, kept the girls involved in every activity, tried to make school functions, not to mention just the day to day crap of keeping the house and family going. Life seems so normal from the outside. Everyone looking in sees me as back to "normal". What is normal? I am far from it. I am a jumble of emotions: happy, scared, indifferent, pissed, grateful, ungrateful. You name it, I probably feel it. It's like a natural disaster has hit my body, my life. Everyone saw the destruction with my mastectomy, my baldness, me being so sick with treatment. Now, my hair has grown back, you can't tell I am missing a breast (unless you really check me out!), I feel good. Everyone thinks I am back to normal. The problem is the destruction is still left inside. I haven't been rebuilt on the inside. I guess now is the time for my mental health. Maybe time for a few tears (haven't really shed them). But, it is also a time for celebration. I am still here to be with my husband, my children, my family. I may need a therapist in the near future, but at least I am still on this planet to hire one!

Blisters Don't Need Chemo

It seems like it takes longer for me to post blogs these days. The holiday season is already so crazy. We are caught up in the hustle and bustle of decorating our house, trimming the tree and buying more gifts than we should buy! I absolutely love Christmas and this year is more special than any in my past. Of course, everyone knows that I was sick last Christmas. I had chemo a few days before, so my memories of Christmas day last year are a little hazy. But, other than being well this season, I have my two little girls that are so excited and a little crazed when it comes to Christmas and the Big Man in the red suit! It is awesome to see the sparkle in their eyes and the pure innocence of believing in Santa. They are what this season is about. I am just trying to drink in every moment!

I have completed my walk. Our team went down to San Diego on November, 20th. Sherri, Dana and I took a chartered bus from Goleta to San Diego. Amy flew from Fresno to S.F. to San Diego and then took a shuttle to the hotel. If you knew Amy you would know what a huge deal that was! Go Girl!! Gail of course was in Hawaii! She flew in the night before our walk and got to the hotel room and 1 am! We had to be on the bus to the opening ceremonies by 5am! Let's just say she was a little tired!

Our first day started early, dark and cold. But, once the opening ceremonies started, we were ready to go! It is pretty overwhelming to see so many people out to support the same cause. I met so many amazing people throughout the course of 3 days. A lot of survivors and a lot of family members out to support their own walkers and also out to say thank you for walking because they lost someone to breast cancer. We couldn't go a half of a mile without someone cheering us on, playing some music, dancing for us, or giving us tequila shots! Really, it happened! The TaTa Tavern! I will never forget those gals! We also bonded with several San Jose policemen. They were down in SD for our walk. They had radios strapped to the back of their bikes and they would gather around us and dance and encourage us. They were great. There were also a bunch of bikers that were our crossing guards. Have you ever seen a biker in leather chaps and a pink tutu?

Some things I will never forget: The San Jose police, the 92 year old woman out to encourage us on her birthday b/c she is a survivor, Smile Guy and Little Grin, The TAG family, the 4 beautiful Ms. Young Survivors, the man with many hats, Billy, string cheese, the seagulls eating Amy's sandwich, the children's choir singing at the corner before we finished, Kate and Maggie, crossing the finish line with my team, walking in the sea of pink shirts during closing ceremonies.

Will I do it again? Probably. Next year? Not likely! I am losing my toenails and I injured my left foot, but you know what? It's better than cancer. And like the sign along the route said, "Blisters don't need chemo."

Embarking on my 3-day adventure

Well, I am leaving in a couple of days to attend the breast cancer 3-day. I am really looking forward to the whole experience. I couldn't be walking with better friends! I am so lucky to have these girls to train with, and now to walk and camp with! I will be home on Monday, so I will try to post pics and stuff when I return!

As far as my health, I can't complain really. I have been dealing with lymphedema. For those of you that don't know, my lymphatic system isn't working properly and the fluid is draining down my arm and into my hand. It causes swelling and pain. I have been wearing a compression sleeve and glove and that seems to help a lot. The worst part of it is I was bit by a spider on that hand during one of my flare ups. As a result, I got cellulitis (bacterial infection). So, on top of my other meds, I was on a few antibiotics to clear it up. I never knew how painful cellulitis could be! It is a serious thing! Go figure. I always thought cellulitis was a case of too much cellulite! I have had that for years!

I had my herceptin treatment today. I can't believe it, but I only have 3 treatments left. It looks like my last treatment will be on January 20th. I am really looking forward to that day! I am to the point where I don't want to be touched by any one. I just want to be left alone. I think I am ready for a week and a deserted beach with just my husband, a good book and some tequila! What else do you need?

I am going to finish packing and I am going to go to bed at a decent hour! Ta-ta!

Life just moves forward

I am officially back to work. I am only working 4 days a week per doctor's orders, which I am thankful for. By Friday of each week, I am wishing it was only 3 days a week. It is great to be back and to catch up with all of my co-workers. I don't think I realized how much I missed everyone until I saw them again! With each day, it gets easier to be there, so I am hoping by the first of the year I will back in the flow of things. They all say I used to run the place, but right now I feel like a big bump on a log!
Today I went and met with a physical therapist regarding this lymphedema stuff. I will start actual therapy on Monday morning, so I am hoping the swelling will decrease and my hand will stop hurting. I will have to wear a sleeve and glove when I do things like exercise or fly or anything that gets my blood pumping! I won't actaully write what I am thinking right now! Anyway, I am looking forward to therapy because I think I will benefit so much from it.
The most crazy thing I did this week was sign up to be a Girls Scout leader. I took Carra to the Daisy Scout Teddy Bear Tea and I just couldn't help myself. I had to sign up. It will be a lot of work, but it will be a blast. I am actually co-leading with a gal I met at the tea. She seems really nice and I think we will get along great. So, I will be hitting all of you up this Spring for cookies! Start saving your money, because I expect you to buy a lot!
I am still trying to train for the breast cancer 3 day. The walk is in about 5 weeks and I am not ready! I got so burned out on the walking thing. Not to mention, when I walk my arm swells! But, NO EXCUSES! I should be walking! I am really looking forward to being there, especially with my team. I just love all of my Hags and I know we are going to have a great time. I need to start focusing on what to pack.
As far as the rest of me goes, well, I am about the same. I am so happy with my family and quite frankly happy to just be alive, but I am also really conflicted on the inside. I know my life's purpose is supposed to be something else, but I don't know what that is. For those of you who know me well, it may surprise you to hear that I just don't want to be around a lot of people anymore. I have worked in the service field my whole life and now I just want to be home. But, I also want to be paid, so I am kinda screwed there! I am hoping to figure out exactly what I want to be doing sometime soon. Until then, I just take one day at a time and hope for the best. Maybe I should write that book I have always talked about. Cheers!

It's Been A Year

Well, it's been a year since I was diagnosed with breast cancer. In a way, the time has gone by quickly and I can't believe a year has gone by. In another way, last October seems like a lifetime ago. I think back to everything that happened in the last 12 months and I am amazed that it happened to my family. I couldn't have gotten through it without the love and support of my family and friends. Especially my chemo buddies. It must be hard to sit in the chemo room and watch your friend be poisoned. But, I had several gals that did just that. Some of my favorite memories of this last year are of playing scrabble with Joanne in the chemo room. Thank God for friends like her and for scrabble!

So, now is a time for me to look ahead. Life without cancer. I never thought I would use the word cancer when talking about my own life. I was always afraid of cancer, but not so much anymore. It sucks, don't get me wrong, and I hope like hell that I am never effected by cancer again, but I no longer fear it. I think I fear chemo more than cancer! Anyway, now is definitely a time for change. Maybe that is why I feel so strongly for the Obama campaign. Maybe it is because I am so ready for change in my own life. I need to do something different. I know I won't be happy returning to the same life I had before. I have rarely felt that I have made a difference and now I want that so badly. To make a difference. To be remembered for something. To leave my mark on this Earth. I am feeling so restless these days because I haven't felt like I have found exactly what I am supposed to be doing. I guess I have a lot of searching to do.

In the meantime, I am so grateful and happy to have this last year behind me. Today almost seems like the first day of the rest of my life. I still have follow up stuff and I am still in the chemo room every 3 weeks, but the shit is behind me. I am moving forward, trying to lead a normal life while trying to make a difference, and through it all trying not to forget where I have been. The road has been long, but the journey is truly just beginning.

Back to work, trip to Portland, and oh yeah, it's breast cancer awareness month!

Well, tomorrow is the end of life as we know it around here. I start back to work in the morning. I am torn as to wanting to go back. I have had so much fun being around more for my kids, but I have also missed that part of my life that belongs to me. It is so easy to lose yourself in the lives of your family. I sometimes feel like my life is defined by the piles of laundry, making dinner, making beds, cleaning toilets, etc. You get the picture. I don't think others (aka husband) feels that way, but I do sometimes. I don't really want to be gone all day, but I think once I am in the swing of things again it will be fine. I am only going to work 4 days a week to start with, so it will be good to devote one day to Carina every week and to also be able to pick Carra up from school. It is amazing how well children adjust to change. It is always harder on the parent. It will be nice to start bringing home a paycheck again, especially since I have started my Christmas shopping!

I was fortunate enough to take a trip to Portland a couple of weeks ago. I have so many friends and family up that way. My brother, Alby and sista in law, Krisiey, had a new baby in July. It was great to go up for several days and hang out with them and the girls. We had dinner one night with my cousins Rob and Tony. It was great to see them. Another night my mom babysat while we went to a Tapas Bar for food and drinks ("the sexy woman"). We met Tony again that night and it was great to talk to him. I haven't really spent a lot of time with Tony before and I really enjoyed getting to know him better and sharing a couple of drinks with him! On a side note, the day after we went out I was talking to Rick on the telephone. Out of the blue he asked me how the strip club was. I was a little shocked and told him we didn't go to a strip club. He said, "You said you were going to a topless bar." He thought I said topless when I said tapas. It was too funny. The best part was he didn't care about me going to a topless club! Anyway, we got a good laugh.

I was also able to see Missy while I was up there. She signed us up to do the race for the cure which just happened to be while I was visiting. My mom, Alby, Missy, her friend Loni and myself walked the 5K to support the Susan G. Komen foundation. I was astounded by the number of people that participated in the walk. They were estimating 45,000 people to turn out for the event. That is incredible. When we were walking it was like being in a sea of people all walking for one cause. The most amazing part was the number of pink shirts. All participants were given a t-shirt with registration and survivors were given pink shirts. There were so many. I really tried to make a point to look at the faces of all of the survivors. I think people sometimes forget that we are real people. We may be "survivors", but we are also individual beings that have had to fight for our lives. I think it makes us all unique in our own way. Putting a label on us as a whole isn't always fair. So, I wanted to look at my fellow warriors and just try to remember some of their faces. I am really hoping to go to Portland every year for the same event. It was really great to share it with my family and my dear friend.

Speaking of breast cancer, October is breast cancer awareness month. I urge everyone to try to support breast cancer research in some way. Buy pink ribbon stamps, support a 3-day walker, buy the yoplait with the pink lids and promise to send them in, anything will help. And I also encourage all of the women out there that are late for their mammogram, or haven't had one recently, to please make an appointment. Early detection can save your life. So, wear pink and show your support!