Another Spa Treatment Gone!

Today I had my second spa treatment. It went pretty quickly, considering they didn't need to show me the ropes this time. I tried to eat more this time before I started to feel sick and I think it helped. I have created a medication profile for Rick to use to help me get my meds on time. Hopefully this will help too. So far, I am doing a little better then the last time. I took a 3 hour nap and then got up and had soup with the girls (mine was mostly broth), but I keep it down with a glass of gatorade. This alone is huge. I couldn't think about putting anything in my mouth the last time for about 4 days. I am also up on the couch right now watching the girls do their stink bugs! I am definitely starting to feel more nausea as I sit here and I am do for drugs in an hour so I hope my new Queasy Pops will work! I will make this one short, because I am losing my energy quickly. I miss everyone! Please see the new quote added to my list. I was blessed to get one of my favorite emails today and this was how he ended it. Thanks for your beautiful words Uncle Dan.

Liberation!!

I am finally in control and I feel liberated! I shaved my head! I really thought it would be traumatic, but I feel fantastic. And I think I look pretty damn good! Bald is truly beautiful. This is one of the most amazing feelings in the world. I have finally done something about this cancer. I have taken control. I think I have shown that I will do anything to beat this. I removed my breast, I shaved my head and I am about to make myself sick as a dog again on Thursday! So, fuck you cancer. You picked the wrong girl this time! Like my partner in this fight said, hair is overrated. You were right, Rich. I look a little more like you now!

Holidays, Birthday, Hair

We had a big weekend. Of course we had the holiday, but the biggest part of the weekend was Carra celebrated her 5th birthday! She was really fortunate to have all of her friends show up and to have so much family make the trip. Let me tell you, there is nothing like 7 screaming girls in a bounce house!! I can't believe she is 5 already, although at times she seems so much older. She watched me cut my hair off tonight. She had a hard time with it and she cried a little. Of course, watching Jill cut my hair with tears rolling down her cheeks was not helping!! I was trying to not show much emotion because I didn't want to freak her out. But, it was really emotional. I had a few tears (or was that hair in my eyes?!?), but I held it together. It all started when I lost a lot of hair today when I took my shower. It was unbelievable how it just came out in handfuls. My scalp is actually sore. It feels like my hair has been in a really tight pony tail and I finally let it down. I wasn't expecting that at all. I was going to shave my head, but I still have a lot of it! Go figure. For those of you that know my hair, I am sure this doesn't surprise you! So, I decided to just cut it really short. I don't remember when I had hair this short and I really like it. I think I will have Rick and the kids shave it when it gets worse. I have another treatment this Thursday, so I am sure it won't be long before it really comes out. Why is hair such a big deal to us? I know it will fall out, and I know it will grow back. But it is such an emotional part of cancer. It is harder for me to accept the hair loss then it was for me to accept the mastectomy. Why do women define their beauty by things like hair? Hair is really a pain in the ass. Does anyone out there have time to actually do their hair? Does it EVER turn out like the stylist does it? What about body hair? Now that is a pain in the ass! I hope to god I don't have to shave my legs, armpits, bikini line, etc during this whole process! And I hope I don't have to tweeze my fucking chin!! For those of you that don't know, my family are hairy people! I would blame the portuguese, but I get the chin shit from Mom's side. I will blame the portuguese for everything else. Like the hairy toes! We shall see what the hair loss will bring. I am kind of intrigued.

Happy Thanksgiving!!

I just want to tell everyone that I am so thankful for each and every one of you. This has been the hardest time in my life, but I am able to get through it because of the love and support I have from my family and friends. I am called every single day by more then one person to see how I am doing, to offer meals and even to pick up my kids and take them to the park. So, on this Thanksgiving, I am thankful for all of you that have touched my life. And to my family, I wish I could see everyone on this holiday, but unfortunately it isn't going to happen. I find myself remembering all of those Thanksgiving dinners, with Papa carving the turkey (and sneaking us turkey skin) and all of us kids running around. Now we all have our own kids running around and I am sad that we can't continue our old traditions, but I am thrilled to have my new traditions with my girls. So, to my husband, parents, brothers and their families, bunco babes, neighbors, childhood friends and my dear Labor Hags (god i love and miss you girls), I wish you all a Happy Thanksgiving.

Today...

Cancer sucks. I finally got mad yesterday. I know Missy will be glad to hear that!! Why did I get breast cancer? It doesn't make sense. It certainly isn't fair. I wonder if God is playing a cruel joke on me and then I wonder if there is a God. Also, what is in our environment? Why do 1 out of 7 women get breast cancer? What kind of insane statistic is that? It just isn't right. We need to figure it out. I am too damn young to be battling for my life. I should be playing with my kids, worrying about what to fix for dinner, taking trips with my husband, bitching about work, etc. All of those things that everyone else is taking for granted. But, I am left with looking at my scarred chest, worrying about cancer cells that could have been left behind, dreading my next treatment, waiting for my hair to fall out, thinking about radiation in my future, all while I try to keep a smile on my face. Well, f*** the smile. I am human everybody. It isn't ok that I have cancer. So, I'm pissed. But, you all know me and I will get through it. I will tolerate the next treatment, I will cry when my hair is gone, but I will survive. The love for my girls can get me through anything.

Update

Well, it is day 4 after treatment and I am feeling crappy but at least I am dressed and upright. I haven't been able to talk on the phone or respond to emails, so I guess with future treatments everyone should know that I will not be able to talk, etc. for a good 4 days. You hear rumors about how awful chemo is, but you just don't really know until you are there. I keep hearing people say that the drugs they have for chemo now are fantastic. Well, maybe I haven't had those drugs yet. Or maybe this is the "fantastic" feeling. Who knows. All I know is that it is going to take everything out of me to get through the next 7 treatments. And for those of you that are wondering if I am eating, I say screw food for about 4 days. It's all I can do to live on popsicles, water and a little plain rice. Then day 4 hit and I had a Mighty Kids meal from Mcdonalds with a chocolate shake. It was quite good! Well, I need to go and try to be a parent. My wonderful parents have left again and I will miss them terribly. I wish they were closer and I could just see them everyday.

Insurance Companies Suck

So, I need to have an injection (nulasta) after every chemo treatment. The injection is to make more marrow and to boost my white count so I can be well enough for my next treatment. My wonderful insurance company has decided that they will not authorize the injection. Out of pocket, it is about $3500 per shot. I will need 8 shots. So, I need to jump through all of these damn hoops just to get this shot. It pisses me off. Thank god for Rick! I know he will have it resolved soon!

One down, 7 to go

I am home from my first chemo treatment. It went ok. I just kept telling myself that I am killing cancer and it is ok if I start feeling like shit. Right now, I am just a little tired. Waiting for the bad symptoms to hit. The highlight of my day was seeing my friend Rich there. It took all I had to keep it together. I don't think we ever thought we would be seeing each other in the "infusion center". I would rather be at work right now calling him in to do an epidural!! By the way, how many people are in a bone marrow bank? Just something to think about. It could truly save someones life.

Friend or Sister?

Have you ever had a person in your life that completes you? I know that most people would say yes and they would say it is their spouse or their child. I do believe that my husband and children make up a huge part of who I am. But, to me that person has known me my whole life. She has shared all of my life experiences and she has loved me none the less. Through the years our friendship has grown stronger and I couldn't imagine going through my life without her. I really couldn't imagine fighting cancer without her. So, to my "sister", I love you and I am proud to be your friend.

Boobie Background

At the end of September, I had a life changing moment. I was changing my clothes and noticed a raise in the skin smack in the middle of my right breast. I couldn't believe the size of the lump and I certainly couldn't believe that I hadn't felt it before (and neither had Rick!!). I got in to see my OB/GYN rather quickly and she sent me to have a mammogram and ultrasound. I had those tests on October 4th. During my ultrasound, they called the radiologist in and he told me withing 5 minutes that it definitely looked like a malignancy. I can't even explain the thoughts that went through my head. I couldn't have cancer, I have 2 babies! It was like a cruel joke. But, we followed through with a biopsy the same day, and by 9:00 the next morning I knew for sure. I have breast cancer. Let me tell you, those are hard words to say. So, long story short, I had a mastectomy with immediate reconstruction on October 18th. I have healed well and quickly and I don't second guess my decision for a minute.

The Unexpected

I am so nervous for tomorrow. I have my first chemotherapy treatment in the morning. I just don't know what to expect. I know all of the facts, and I could describe every treatment and drug, but I just don't know how my body is going to react to the treatment. I keep telling myself that it is going to be horrible, but deep down that is my way of being pleasantly surprised when it isn't as bad as I had imagined.



This new chapter in my life still doesn't feel real. I know it is happening to me, but I worry sometimes that I am not letting it sink in. I am unbelievably at peace with this disease. I truly believe that I will be fine in the end, but that doesn't mean I am not scared. I do know that I have put my boxing gloves on (literally, thanks to my dear Laura!), and I plan on kicking this cancer's ass!