Back to work, trip to Portland, and oh yeah, it's breast cancer awareness month!

Well, tomorrow is the end of life as we know it around here. I start back to work in the morning. I am torn as to wanting to go back. I have had so much fun being around more for my kids, but I have also missed that part of my life that belongs to me. It is so easy to lose yourself in the lives of your family. I sometimes feel like my life is defined by the piles of laundry, making dinner, making beds, cleaning toilets, etc. You get the picture. I don't think others (aka husband) feels that way, but I do sometimes. I don't really want to be gone all day, but I think once I am in the swing of things again it will be fine. I am only going to work 4 days a week to start with, so it will be good to devote one day to Carina every week and to also be able to pick Carra up from school. It is amazing how well children adjust to change. It is always harder on the parent. It will be nice to start bringing home a paycheck again, especially since I have started my Christmas shopping!

I was fortunate enough to take a trip to Portland a couple of weeks ago. I have so many friends and family up that way. My brother, Alby and sista in law, Krisiey, had a new baby in July. It was great to go up for several days and hang out with them and the girls. We had dinner one night with my cousins Rob and Tony. It was great to see them. Another night my mom babysat while we went to a Tapas Bar for food and drinks ("the sexy woman"). We met Tony again that night and it was great to talk to him. I haven't really spent a lot of time with Tony before and I really enjoyed getting to know him better and sharing a couple of drinks with him! On a side note, the day after we went out I was talking to Rick on the telephone. Out of the blue he asked me how the strip club was. I was a little shocked and told him we didn't go to a strip club. He said, "You said you were going to a topless bar." He thought I said topless when I said tapas. It was too funny. The best part was he didn't care about me going to a topless club! Anyway, we got a good laugh.

I was also able to see Missy while I was up there. She signed us up to do the race for the cure which just happened to be while I was visiting. My mom, Alby, Missy, her friend Loni and myself walked the 5K to support the Susan G. Komen foundation. I was astounded by the number of people that participated in the walk. They were estimating 45,000 people to turn out for the event. That is incredible. When we were walking it was like being in a sea of people all walking for one cause. The most amazing part was the number of pink shirts. All participants were given a t-shirt with registration and survivors were given pink shirts. There were so many. I really tried to make a point to look at the faces of all of the survivors. I think people sometimes forget that we are real people. We may be "survivors", but we are also individual beings that have had to fight for our lives. I think it makes us all unique in our own way. Putting a label on us as a whole isn't always fair. So, I wanted to look at my fellow warriors and just try to remember some of their faces. I am really hoping to go to Portland every year for the same event. It was really great to share it with my family and my dear friend.

Speaking of breast cancer, October is breast cancer awareness month. I urge everyone to try to support breast cancer research in some way. Buy pink ribbon stamps, support a 3-day walker, buy the yoplait with the pink lids and promise to send them in, anything will help. And I also encourage all of the women out there that are late for their mammogram, or haven't had one recently, to please make an appointment. Early detection can save your life. So, wear pink and show your support!

Life is Beautiful!!

My scan is clear! It is perfect!! I cannot be more excited. It took a little while for it to sink in. I had a horrible weekend because I had convinced myself that they were going to find cancer throughout my body. Laying in the tube during the scan can really play negative games on your psyche. I started having all of the same thoughts I had when I was first diagnosed. I was so worried about the girls and how they would be growing up without a mom. It was a terrible place to be in. Negative energy sucks. I tried to read the face of the tech when she was sending me on my way and I swear she was avoiding my eyes! Of course, that is just me being neurotic! So, the next step is a mammogram and a MRI next month.

So, life as normal. What in the hell is normal? My normal is completely different than it was a year ago. I think about priorities and perspective. They are completely different as well. My priorities are the same, but have been shuffled around a bit. My perspective, well, you would think that I would have this new outlook on life and have it all figured out. Not true. My perspective is probably a little more out of whack and skewed than it has ever been. It is still hard to wrap my head around that fact that I had cancer. I had to give up a year out of my life, the lives of my girls, to fight something that I shouldn't have had in the first place. So, how's this for perspective. I don't sweat the small stuff. If I have something on my mind, I will tell you. I don't take any day for granted. If I need a nap, I take one. I steal extra kisses from the girls (especially on the neck!). I touch my husband more, even if it's on the shoulder in a room full of people. But, when I think about cancer it changes. Cancer isn't fair. Why does it happen? Why don't we have a cure? I guess I am still angry. Maybe more than I was in the beginning. I also don't think our country takes care of the sick. Yes, I have insurance. I am one of the lucky ones. I still have medical bills that I never thought I would see in a lifetime. What about those without insurance? Do they lose their homes? Do they not seek the care they need? So, yes, I am different. I am more political, more outspoken (if you can believe that), and more willing to try to make a difference.

On that note, I only have one more thing to say. Go Obama! I jumped on the train of change a long time ago. It's about time someone as even given us the possibility of hope.

Tomorrow's PET day

I have recovered really well from my surgery. The menopausal symptoms suck, but they are managable I guess. I have been incredibly fatigued lately. I am hoping it is because of the lack of hormones. Anyway, tomorrow is the big day. I have my PET CT in the morning. I should have my results when I meet with my oncologist on Tuesday. I am nervous and a little scared. I truly feel like everything will be ok, but I am also realistic. Positive energy is appreciated, so please send it!

On a lighter note, my 3 day team (Hags and Heroes), is trying to figure out what to have on our shirts. We have a couple of ideas, one is "eleven nipples" on the front, or "one areola short of a twelve pack". For those of you that don't know, I don't have an areola or nipple on my new breast (not yet anyway!). So, there are 6 walkers (now maybe 5), so we thought the eleven nipples would be hilarious! I think so anyway! Let me know what you think! Amy thinks we should incorporate both phrases into "one nipple short of a twelve pack". I like it! Anyway, we have been training as much as we can and I think we are all enjoying the company. I am actually using my teammates as my shrinks! It is great therapy to take long walks with wonderful friends.

I am supposed to go back to work the first of October. I must be honest and say that I don't really want to. I also don't know how I am going to pull it off. Like I said before, I am incredibly fatigued most of the time. I can barely make it through the day without wishing I could take a long nap. I guess I will just go back slowly and see what happens. If nothing else, I am going back to the gals who have given me a ton of support and love me for who I am. I guess it can't be that bad.